The Urban Erma

Drug Test Wakeup Call

When the phone rang at 9:37am I knew the caller must have the wrong number. No one ever calls me in my cabin when I'm working onboard a cruise ship. I’m the comedian. No one needs me until show time but I answered the phone anyway because that was the only way to make it stop ringing.

"Hello, Leighann?"

"Yes."

"It's the Assistant Cruise Director."|

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm sorry,” he said. “You've been randomly selected for a drug test."

Silence.

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The Flying Harpy of Love

I'm not a nice person when I fly. From curbside to baggage claim the entire travel experience has become so hostile towards passengers that it's every traveler for themselves. If you don't carve out your own slice of sanity, it will be taken away, screened, checked, charged extra for, and probably even lost without so much as an “I’m sorry.” READ MORE

Why Don Cornelius Left the Building

Suicide May be Painless but Writing the Note is Excruciating - Don Cornelius, the creator and host of Soul Train, passed away recently. I say passed away because how he died depends on your point of view. To the general public he committed suicide. To the African-American community at large he did not. Acknowledging suicide challenges our misguided belief that black folks don’t get depressed, we just get angry. You put an “H” on your chest and just handle it, whatever it is. The slaves made it through without therapy right? READ MORE

In Memory of Todd Lynn

Comedian Todd Lynn died last Friday from complications of diabetes and pancreatic cancer, suffering two strokes and a heart attack. --

What can I say about Todd? He was quiet, humble, kept to himself … Oh wait … Todd LYNN? Take two: Todd was smart, brash, funny, and fearless. He was opinionated and you learned what his opinions were within five minutes of meeting him. He would even tell you about yourself to your face free of charge whether you asked or not. Not a very comfortable thing that, but at least you knew where you stood with him. In an industry built on backstabbing Todd was almost refreshing. READ MORE

So, About the Letterman Thing

Twat Blocked Again It’s been an eventful time for women in comedy. The New York Times broke the story that female comedians are not booked to perform on The Letterman Show in equal numbers to their male counterparts. You don’t say. Women in comedy not being treated fairly? Well gosh darn it stop the presses. This is not news to anyone with a vagina, but hats off to the New York Times for being in the vanguard of non-current events. READ MORE

Living the iLife: Look, Ma, No Manual!

It’s one thing to break all bad ass and switch from a BlackBerry to an iPhone but when the deed is done the challenge becomes living with it. I'll admit there are things I miss about my BlackBerry, especially when travelling. But would I go back to it? No, and by no I mean Hells No, but it is an adjustment and sometimes I wish I had a little bit more guidance. Mac-acolytes treat iPhone ownership as an intuitive experience so in other words no manual. READ MORE

Leighann Lord Joins Team iPhone

Dear BlackBerry, I’m Out

In a stunning year-end move, comedian and tech nerd Leighann Lord has joined Team iPhone, effectively ending her more than decade-long relationship with Research in Motion’s BlackBerry. Whether it was the Pearl, the Curve or the BlackBerry Bold, all of her phones have been plagued with problems including random data deletions and frequent battery pulls. “I saw the spinning watch icon so often,” said Ms. Lord, “That I thought it was my wall paper.” READ MORE

Rug Rats

If I could I would live in a sterile, hermetically-sealed bubble decked out like an IKEA flagship store display. And then there's my car. It doesn’t rise to the level of the TV show “Hoarders,” but it’s somehow become a repository for boxes, comedy merchandise and umbrellas. None of this, however, explains the rancid odor that took up residence in my car last week. It smelled like a cranky toddler shat in my glove compartment. READ MORE

Christmas Shopping Again? Didn’t We Just Do This?

Christmas comes on the same day every year and yet it always seems to take me by surprise.  One minute I’m at a Memorial Day picnic contentedly chomping on a burger, the next I’m sniffling through “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Where does the time go? And, as if to help us, stores are putting up Christmas decorations earlier and earlier.  Soon, I expect to see a sweaty Santa in a wife-beater tee-shirt selling back to school supplies in a shameless yet ingenious display of cross-promotional advertising. READ MORE

How I Spent Black Friday, Really

I can’t prove it, but I’d be willing to bet that the murder rate escalates around the holidays. I confess I had manslaughter on my mind when I went to Wal-mart on Black Friday. Yeah, you heard me. I went to Wal-Mart on Black Friday. All I needed was one thing: a screen protector for my iPod. What I got was my feelings hurt. READ MORE