The Urban Erma

I Need a Thundershirt

My Dog and I look alike. We’re both black with a little bit of grey. Recently describing His Lordship to someone I was stunned to realize just how similar we also are in temperament. I said, “I love him but he’s spoiled, cranky, moody, entitled … wait, what? Oh damn.” READ MORE

Asshole or Asperger’s

So, I was hanging out at the bar with friends when I was approached by an audience member. He said, “You’re funny. I enjoyed your show.”

“Thank you.”

“So, how old are you?”

No, you didn’t miss anything. And, no, I didn’t leave anything out. He asked me just like that, with all the finesse of an STD test. READ MORE

But I Don't Want to be a Stripper

I tried going shoe shopping but what I found instead were shelves full of brightly colored stilts. “Am I expected to actually walk in these?” I said aloud to no one in particular. A sales girl smiled and said, “You know, some women can’t walk in flats.” I bit my tongue just in time to stop myself from saying in a perfect imitation of my Grandmother, “Yes, Child, but those women are whores.” READ MORE

Hormones, Heartbreak & House Payments

Would you believe a 12-year-old wrote this:

“By choosing to be happy we let ourselves be friendlier and more human to one another.”

Deep, right? I recently had the honor of being a judge for The 2012 Good Life Award Writing Contest. It was open to students from seventh to ninth grade; 522 kids entered from 34 schools. The contest was created to honor the life of Dottie Yeck, a champion of children, who believed that one is never too young to have an impact on the world. Her Life Philosophy and premise for the contest is: Being Good + Doing Good = Having Fun + Being Happy. Clearly Dottie was not a native New Yorker. READ MORE

Dressed Up Community Service

Two friends were shopping in the JCPenney women's department. Well, one woman was just browsing. The other was staging an intervention. I did not know these women personally and I never had the pleasure of ever learning their names but for the purposes of this story I could call them Lucy and Ethel, or even Laverne and Shirley. But as a casual fan of the TV show Living Single I'll call them Regine and Sinclaire. READ MORE

The Geometry of Love & Comedy

At my last stand-up comedy college show a student came up afterwards and said, “Thanks for the ‘D’ student joke. I’m mentoring a high school student this weekend and you explained better than I could why he should get good grades.” My joke:

“The most important thing I’ve learned watching TV crime shows is that it pays to be an ‘A’ student. If you’re an ‘A’ student and you go missing, they look for you. If you’re a ‘D’ student, you’ll be duct taped in the trunk of a car thinking, ‘Wow, I should have studied more.’” READ MORE

Very Funny Bag Lady

In honor of my stand-up comedy anniversary, I'm sharing an essay I wrote last year for The Blog Out Loud Show: the live, staged reading version of The Urban Erma. So, I ran into a fellow comedian whom I love and respect a great deal. He’s one of those guys who’s the cherished combination of funny and nice. I’ve always admired his success. I’ve seen him in commercials, he’s a respected regular in the A-level comedy clubs around the city, and he had his own Comedy Central special. Since I hadn’t seen him in a while I had assumed he was doing his thing out in LA. So I was crushed when he told me he’s selling real estate now. READ MORE

All Men Would Be Klingons

It is no secret that I am a Star Trek fan, with a Lieutenant Uhura costume in my closet to prove it. When I meet other fans I often ask: “What would you be if you could be any other species in the Star Trek universe?” Almost without exception the men say, “Klingon!” Well, “Ka’plah!” gentlemen. I don’t know what my fellow female Star Trek fans would be. I haven’t met any. READ MORE

Capital One, Capital Zero

I was more than a little surprised when The Dunkin Donuts Guy handed me back my bank card. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's been declined." I did that slow blink of surprise that morphed into embarrassment. "What?" I said, as I looked around at the other caffeine and sugar addicts hoping no one had overheard. Unlike my credit card, with which I have a love-hate-denial-did-I-say-hate relationship, my bank card is linked to my checking account. I keep a precise mental tally of my account balance that would make Ebenezer Scrooge say, "Damn Boo!" READ MORE

My Kool Aid Moment, Apple Loves You

I panicked when a dialogue box popped up on my iPhone telling me that a new iOS update was available. I'd missed this bit of information in the big announcement about the coming of iPad 3. I had the option to download and install the update or to cancel. Of course, I hit cancel and immediately sought out the advice of a more experienced iPhone user. READ MORE